We knew things weren’t going well for the Republican party, but the particularly lackluster lineup ready to present at the 2016 Republican National Convention makes it clear just how sad the state of conservative politics have gotten.
Among the illustrious speakers set to inspire Republicans nationwide is are has-been sitcom star, a couple of overly-bearded hicks, an unhinged former Mayor, some of the more hateful and hated Republican lawmakers, and many more.
Let’s take a look at the star-studded list of speakers awaiting our joyfully upturned faces this week:
Scott “off-his-rocker-and-off-the-payroll” Baio:
Now, you may have forgotten just who the hell Scott Baio is, but the Happy Days star is still kicking around media outlets, offering up his support for Donald Trump and trying to stay relevant. Baio hasn’t been in the news much since his horrific VH1 reality shows a few years ago, but here he is again at his biggest gig in years! Congrats, Baio. We look forward to seeing what drug-addled rant you’ll offer.
Former New York Mayor Rudy “Was-A-Good-Mayor-For-Like-One-Day” Giuliani:
This guy needs no introduction. Giuliani is one of the many who are solely on this list of speakers because they have uttered a few pro-Trump words during the election cycle. The list is small, so insane men like Giuliani are guaranteed a front-row seat to the political sh*tshow.
Willie “I-Grew-This-Beard-For-TV” Robertson:
This guy knows a good business opportunity when he sees it, and the young Duck leader is just one of many in his family that have dipped their toes in politics in the election season. Who knows what sort of useless moral platitudes he will offer or what sort of low-level political office he is gearing up for?
Jerry “Kill-The-Gays” Falwell Jr.:
You know, when I saw this name I was a bit surprised, but that’s because I dared to believe that the Republican party has some standards for their largest convention in 4 years. What a fool I am. In case you aren’t familiar, Falwell is the hateful evangelical pastor who has called for the mass slaughter of homosexuals to the applause and approval of several presidential candidates including Ted Cruz. This man’s repeated calls for bible-justified violence means that he shouldn’t have anyone listening to his insane ramblings, much less an entire major political party.
Antonio “Who-The-Hell-Is-This-Guy” Sabato, Jr.:
Ah, we’ve got ourselves a token here, folks. If anyone outside of your lonely cat-loving aunt Shelly has heard of this guy, it’ll be a miracle. Sabato is listed on the RNC page as an “actor,” but even that term is too generous. Sabato has “acted” on various daytime soap operas, and has himself a nice hispanic-sounding name (but he’s actually from Italy). If the RNC can get this guy to say “Trump’s my guy,” his obscurity won’t matter one tic.
Also speaking:
- A slew of veterans.
- A mother of a soldier who died in Benghazi.
- Every person in the country with the name “Trump.”
- Mothers of people killed by “illegal immigrants,” despite the fact that their deaths had nothing to do with the actual legality of their presence.
- A litany of failed GOP presidential candidates, including Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Marco Rubio, and more.
- A retired astronaut?
- UFC founder/CEO Dana White.
- A mass of hateful GOP senators, congressmen, and governors. Think of the GOP-ers you hate, they’ll be there.
It’s gonna be a heaping mess of fun and anger, and we can’t wait to soak up every idiotic, sophomoric moment.
